I recently saw a quote that has been sitting with me for awhile. “Man surprised me most about humanity. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present. The result being that he does not live in the present or the future. He lives as if he is never going to die and then dies having never really lived.”
Money has always been an issue with me. Always afraid of where it’s going to come from and if it is going to run out. The fear is very deeply rooted and has been hard to shake. I have to admit it has clouded my choices on many occasions. Living your passion and not worrying about where the money will come has never been on my radar. This quote, for as powerful as it is, it is still, well, words. And putting my thinking to emotion in order to really believe it and live by it is what has been the most difficult part for me.
Bali will be the tip of the iceberg. I finally made the conscious decision to change it up. It is definitely uncharted waters for me and I have to admit not quite sure how it will play out. I know I will come back with new ideas just for being in a different environment. I want to know, not just in words but in actions that the universe is ready to take care of me. I want to trust it will.
I want to believe that humanity, for the most part, is good and kind. People want to help and make others happy. I won’t believe that being evil really makes anyone feel better. So when I hear of an injustice or act of violence I can’t comprehend how someone could act that way. I believe that, yet again, too much information, especially negative information, leads to an unhappy collective.
I know there is important information that needs to get out to keep me informed about my well being. I have found beautiful stories of how humanity has come to the aid of the less fortunate whether it be from man made or natural disasters. And I find I want to hear more of those stories. I want to believe that if I continue to be inundated by positive occurrences that I will be less judgmental and more patient. Yes, gentler and more kind.
I believe that humanity needs more of those actions. And it really does start with me.
As I await my trip to Bali I decided to go to Vancouver for a week and check out what my options would be if I decided to live in Canada. I love Vancouver for the mountains, the ocean and the laid back feeling of the city. My friend and I have been taking walks along the sea everyday and watching the trees change minute by minute. The weather has been kind and the sunsets magnificent. The smell of the sea air here is much different than in Los Angeles. I can feel the nip in the autumn air and I realize why I love an obvious change of seasons so much. Even this picture feels somber awaiting the winter snowfall. I love it. Some people may think it depressing but I welcome the feeling of change in me anticipating the inevitable.
We decided to take a drive up to Whistler as I had never gotten a chance to visit. The beauty of going somewhere without working is that you can come and go as you please. Usually I feel guilty if I am not working or have my family with me to justify my trip but I am trying to alleviate the feeling and just enjoy myself. Funny how difficult it is to really relax when you have always put others first. This is a new choice for me to do things just for me and I have to admit it is getting easier the more I do it.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t wake up in the middle of the night sometimes worrying about what the future will hold. But as I’ve said before the greatest lesson to learn when changing is to trust a power higher than you to know it will work out exactly the way it should. Trust has always been an issue for me and as much as I would like to tell myself I’m getting better, my past will sneak in every now and then to doubt the person or the situation.
My friend, her beautiful daughter and I had a lovely day in Whistler. It was more built up than I would like to have seen but wonderful all the same. We strolled through a farmer’s market and stopped by the local bakery in Squeamish (on the way to Whistler) to get some goodies for the Canadian Thanksgiving that was this weekend. The bakery was run by a family and had some of the most delicious sweets I had tasted in a long time. I don’t know if it was the fact that it was made by the people in the shop or whether I was enjoying the fact that I was in a smaller town surrounded by beautiful nature.
I’m not saying that there aren’t wonderful places in bigger cities but the sheer size of the shop reminded me yet again of what we seem to be losing in our lives. The drive to Whistler was a reminder of how vast our world can be and how beautiful it is when left to its own beauty. Where everything has remained the same for years and years. I am guilty of enjoying the convenience of a coffee shop that is familiar to me or a grocery store that stocks my favorite crackers. There is something to be said for feeling safe in the known.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that even at my age it would be much easier to stay where I am and live my life in the expected. I was hoping that with all I have done in my life it would be a given to constantly stir the familiar pot and not be so tentative. One of the only things I purchased in Whistler was a cup of espresso from the same coffee shop I always go to wherever they exist which is in a lot of places. Old habits die hard. I go along and think I’m being brave. Then it takes a trip to Whistler to realize I’m pretty vulnerable but determined to put my toes in the uncharted waters to still feel alive.
On to Bali…
As the time grows closer to my trip to Bali (almost like Bountiful!) I am starting to get anxious. Before Bali I am going to Vancouver to check out what is happening in one of my most favorite cities. It has what feeds my soul. The mountains. Love everything about them. Some people like the ocean which Vancouver also has but I feel safe with the mountains. I love the smell, the vastness, the mystery and the danger. They can be precious and they can be deadly. It shows you that regardless of how large you think you are, the mountains are so much more when you realize their power.
I have acquired a permanent residency to Canada so am looking to see what I will need to have the option of living in Canada or the United States or both. I know I have to be practical and look at all of my options but right now don’t know in which direction I will take. I see myself going back and forth enjoying the warmth of Southern California and the true change of seasons that Canada has to offer. I miss that and would love to have the best of both worlds.
I would love to have the option of being more patient with my insecurities about change and where I will be in five years. I see me changing in other ways and I want to feel comfortable in whatever happens. Not too comfortable as to become bored as I think that is what ages you faster than anything. You get bored, you stop caring, you make excuses and then you stop living. As dramatic as that seems it’s much truer than we would like to think. And it can be oh so easy when you’re tired or restless or just don’t know what the next step should be.
Bali will test my stamina for writing and how successful I will be will become apparent as the time goes on. Writing every week is one thing but writing every day is another. There are options I can take to not do it at all and just lounge for 28 days but that’s not me. I’m not as rambunctious as I used to be but I can still go the distance when I put my mind to it. It just takes a bit more prodding then it did years back. For me failure is harder when you know you don’t have all the time in the world. That proverbial clock is ticking whether or not I want to admit it. And I know this is not going to be an overnight adventure so the time card is going to have to be punched a lot more than a couple of times.
The unknown will be the trickiest option as I have no idea what to expect in Bali. All the people I have spoken to have said I will love Bali but I’m not going just to sight see. I guess I could have picked some place closer to get away and write. But if I’m going to do it why not take the option which will force me to jump off that mountain? Regardless of what happens it will be the option I have chosen for myself.