Today was particularly important for me as it was a huge lesson in action and reaction. I have to say I’m not particularly proud of my action and reaction but I understand where it stems from. Yep, I slipped from trying to be more patient. Guess fatigue played a huge part in my behavior. Our neighborhood has gone through a change in the last 5 or 6 years where older homeowners have died and their homes have been sold to people who do not live in the homes. They quickly renovate them to give them street appeal and then make them a rental property. That should not be a problem except that some of the tenants who move in have no vested interest in the neighborhood.
A New Start
Lila
Lila or Leela, as it is sometimes spelled, is Sanskrit for play, spontaneity or sport. I am trying to get more lila in my life. I use to be very “lilaful” when I was younger, looking to new adventures and possibilities. I felt I had a path and purpose to what I wanted to be doing for the rest of my life.
I realize now the “rest of my life” can be a pretty long time. I am grateful for having my health and the opportunity to have seen many amazing places and things in my years but now I’m having a harder time trying to be playful.
You would think after raising a child, securing a career and being at a place where I can somewhat relax I would be content to just be. But my busy mind keeps me aware of the fact that I have enough time to embark on many different endeavors. I just can’t seem to nail down anything in particular so the feeling of being in limbo is just as frustrating if not more than knowing what you want but not being able to have it.
Stillness
I have been listening to the lectures of Echardt Tolle and am amazed at how simple and yet how complex his teachings are. I was especially intrigued and confused by his ideas of the stillness of our minds and the importance of finding the spaces between the words.
Now in my busy and ever chatting mind that seemed almost too surreal for me to grasp. He speaks with a direct and methodical way that is both enchanting and hypnotic. And, for the most part, totally unreachable for me right now. I think I have grasped the concept, try it and realize how difficult it can be.
I know I have a tendency to belabor explanations when I am trying to get a point across. I keep repeating myself to make sure that I am being totally understood. A bad habit for me as it can make people restless and annoyed. Many times I am not even aware of what I am doing. It’s not that I think they don’t understand it’s that I am trying to convince myself that I have it right.
I started to think about those spaces in between my explanations that may help in slowing me down and only repeating myself once. I find I want to explain myself to the world. To make what I do matter not just to others but especially to myself.
What I discovered was how much I judged myself and how little I really trusted that what I have to say had meaning. Or that it may have enough value for people to even spend their time listening. Insecurity raises it’s ugly head and the child in me says, “Look at me! Look at me!” Echardt Tolle is trying to say that we are enough. That the silence between those words or even silence itself is enough.
And in that thought a deep emotion comes over me that makes me sad and hopeful at the same time. To quote Echardt from his book Stillness Speaks , “When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world. Your innermost sense of self, of who you are, is inseparable from stillness. This is the I Am that is deeper than name and form.”
I am striving to believe one finds there is no judgement of whether I am good enough but rather that stillness is enough to discover how valuable what I say can be if I come from I Am.