I have always had to be responsible even at a young age because of how I was raised. Wasn’t that it was expected of me it was just the way it was. There weren’t any options. And because of that I felt it was my responsibility to take care of everyone else as well. As if they weren’t capable. But that made me feel needed and wanted and so that’s how I justified my actions.
So over the years I took it on myself to make sure everything was taken care of and on course. What course I’m not sure now in looking back, but definitely a course. It is what kept me moving forward and surviving in my life. Was it the right way or the best way? Probably not, but it was what I was comfortable with so I stuck to that regime.
But now after many years of being responsible and knowing that in less I do it myself it ain’t going to happen I find myself tired and quite frankly a bit annoyed. Not at anyone in particular but especially with myself. It’s very hard for me to do something for myself that doesn’t involve my family or friends or business associates.
I love giving gifts or doing things for other people. I know it’s because it makes me feel good but it also fills a void that I have been trying to fill all of my life. I think many of us feel the same way they just don’t want to admit it or they don’t recognize it. To feel wanted and needed from an outside source is a very dangerous drug. To always look for someone’s approval or justification of why we should be here seems to me to be the best recipe for disappointment.
At least when you rely on being responsible for yourself you have no one else to blame if it doesn’t go the way you intended. But if you look to yourself for the recognition and it doesn’t come then you have, well, only yourself to blame. That, for me, has been a big pill to swallow. I still have my moments when I just don’t want to admit I have to take that pill.
I recently signed up to go on a 28 day writer’s workshop in Bali. The requirement is writing 3000-5000 words a day. That seems a bit impossible for me but only because I haven’t taken the time to actually do something for myself and only myself with a selfish intention. I told myself that it is costly and time consuming and there is no guarantee that the non fiction novel I have been writing for ten years will every hit the stands as a published book.
However, what it has done is stir up all of the insecurities I have of investing in myself with no strings attached whether it be for family, friends or clients. Just me. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had moments when the guilt hasn’t entered into my psyche but the last payment is in and I am now determined to give it my all. Not to say I not scared or that I have doubts as to how all of this will go but just pushing the button to make the payment for something that is just for me has been a huge step without worrying about everyone else.
Ultimately everyone else will find their way (and the key here is their way, not what I think their way should be) and me going to Bali will not stop that. What it will do is finally take the responsibility for my own happiness from the inside and quit looking for it on the outside.
