A New Start

Recently I find myself unsubscribed in ways I never was before.  The world is moving in a precarious direction in my opinion and somehow subconsciously it is making me a bit unsettled.  I am looking to my future not quite sure in how it is going to unfold.  Things that seemed frivolous are now weighing on me.  I’m not as patient as I would like to be and it’s not because of how other people are behaving.  It’s because I don’t like the doubt in me.  I am unsubscribed in focusing on what I need to do in order to feel centered and in control.  And then I get frustrated because I am trying to become more free.

I want to be free of the need of my self importance in my work and in my life.  I want to be free of the need to justify my talent, my work and my daily decisions in how I behave.  I want to stop engaging  in the gossip and insecurities in myself, in others and in the way our world is spinning.

It hurts when others unsubscribe from whatever it is you are doing.  When they are dismissive or downright uncaring.  And yet I am guilty of doing the same when I feel scared or not understood.  I get my feathers ruffled thinking that my existence is the end all be all.  And then I feel guilty for acting like a spoiled child and try again to be on my best behavior.

It seems to me that because we are exposed to a tremendous amount of information via internet and the like that so much knowledge about every detail whether we want to know or not is causing people to unsubscribe back.  Somewhat of a passive aggressive behavior.  Smiling through the behavior of anger and frustration and most of all fear.  I get angry of not being able to control certain things so I say to myself, “I’ll show them!” while I’m eating something I shouldn’t eat or not practicing what I should be practicing for my well being.  I am unsubscribing thinking that will make me feel better.  And in the end it just doesn’t.

In the end I need to go back to looking at how beautiful the day is with the leaves changing and the crisp smell of autumn in the air.  With that simplicity I realize that the only way to survive is to subscribe.  For whatever that is and however it turns out.  That the only way to move forward and be successful in my mind of being happy is to subscribe to life as it comes. I am determined to not let my subscription run out.

Clearance has some odd definitions. One definition is an amount of space between two things that keep them from touching each other. Wow. That’s quite an interesting take on the word. Clearance of relationships seems rather poignant when you look at them as not touching each other.

I have been looking at my relationships more closely recently. I am not as social as I use to be when I was younger. I value my time alone as being somewhat a haven from the flurry of everyday life. I use to embrace the activity with much more fervor than I do now. I’m not quite sure it’s because I am usually around so much chatter at work that in my downtime the quiet is a nice respite. I have also started to say no to things that are not of my best interest at heart. I have looked at opportunities lately as for whether or not they are a positive reinforcement for my self-respect. The financial fear has always kept me places longer than was best for me. Now with my son off on his own, I don’t feel such a need to grasp at everything to make ends meet. I want to clear away anything touching me that doesn’t feel right.

I was always worried whether or not people liked me or I said the right thing so I would be accepted and needed. Co-dependency has an odd way of clearing away a part in your heart that knows the right answer but is afraid to face it. That self-doubt of whether what you say is going to be accepted and greeted positively has always been on the back burner of my thoughts. The spiritual venues of love, patience, and forgiveness are vital to making a clear path but it is not so easy to apply. They are abstract terms which I am constantly trying to grasp in a much deeper way than in my mind. Maybe it is the clearance of my heart and mind that makes it so difficult?

Another meaning given to clearance is the official permission that allows someone to do something. A get out of jail free card. An opportunity to clear out the negative and make room for what will make a difference in the way we live. I have definitely made some mistakes when given the “official permission” and taken advantage of the opportunity. Probably from not focusing on those spiritual venues.

And then there is the process of removing things that are not wanted or used. I prefer to use this meaning as a positive venture. Otherwise, my applications can become so glum that it becomes self-indulgent. And then where is that self-respect? Paring down and making life simple to enjoy the beauty of the moment when you least expect it allows you to subconsciously remove the stuff that has been around for way too long.

It gives new meaning to can’t see the forest for the trees. What we need can be right in front of us if we just give ourselves official permission to clear away the junk and do what we need to do to find the ultimate happiness.

Ok, let’s talk about age.  I mean really talk about age.  So many articles are written about how to look and feel younger.  How to defy what happens to us as we grow older.  What vitamins to take, what water to drink, what food to eat, what doctor to see, what retirement plan to look for in order to be taken care of when “the time comes.”

Wow, I feel dead already!  I am certainly not ready to call it a day but it seems everywhere we look there is a message about growing older.  So I’m not able to stand for 14 hours anymore without my back hurting but does that mean I should be put out to pasture?  Our society here in the United States seems to have the Benjamin Buttons syndrome.  Let’s be born old but God forbid let’s not die old!  Let’s go back to our youth so that we can understand things at a young age that we couldn’t possibly understand then.

I don’t know if I would have wanted all that information when I was young.  It was tough enough just being able to make sure I was liked and got my homework done and I was able to be in the high school variety show.  Now that seems so easy but back then it was life or death.  I was able to put so much weight on the most trivial things and my excuse was I was young and just going through a phase.

So why now that I’m a responsible adult who has been through a lifetime of experiences, can I not say I’m going through a phase? Why can’t I express my opinion and be able to react in a certain way when I see someone not being nice or respectful not just because of my age but just because it’s the right thing to do.

When I was younger we had to call everyone older than us (my parent’s age) Mr and Mrs out of respect.  Don’t expect that now but would like everyone regardless of age to take a moment and just enjoy each other.  No agenda, no Facebook page, no twitter remark.  Just good old fashion conversation.  Call me crazy but I still like to talk on the phone and hear people’s voices.  I prefer to tell them I’m sorry in person or on the phone instead of emailing.  I still like sending thank you cards when someone invites me to their home for dinner or give my homemade candles to people just because I like to give them gifts.  No reason.  It just makes me feel good and hopefully makes them feel good too.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I am certainly no saint.  I lose my temper in traffic and get impatient when things don’t go the way I wish they would.  I’m really trying not to let things get to me.  But when my feelings get hurt I still act like a wounded child even though at my age I should know better.  Emotions are timeless and regardless of how much we can read or practice yoga or meditate hurt is hurt and it’s tough not to be affected by it.

So now  I find myself taking more deep breaths and trying to let it go.  Still wakes me up at night (I could say it’s hormones…so much easier but it really is the combination of hormones and hurt and fear).  I look good for my age (so I’m told) and regardless of how I can pretend I don’t care and will be happy no matter what happens, I do care.  I care for my own sense of self.  I care because I don’t want to give up on loving life.  I want to use my experiences as a gauge of what I don’t know and how every day I want to learn more.

They say age is a state of mind.  Well, tell the body that because my body is not what it use to be.  I still exercise, take my vitamins and dress up.  I will continue to go on trying to make my style inside and out ageless.   Take that brave new world!