Health

As I write this I find that I am having trouble finding energy for anything.  Thoughts are racing through my head of what the day will bring and what I have to accomplish today.  I am working nights so my sleep pattern is all off.  With that comes a fogginess that makes it difficult to do even the simplest task.  As the day progresses I fight  to be able to get somewhat of a grasp of the laundry list in my head.

Things appear that usually don’t happen when I’m not as tired as I am now.  I am able to place thoughts in their right compartments so the to do list can be checked off.  The to do list for my day and the to do list for my life.  Even writing right now seems to be taking longer that it usually does.  I am finding it more of a task right now. Writing for me has become my life line into discovering the subtle details of what makes me tick.  Some days are easier than others but I always am clearer when I put my thoughts into words.  There is something to be said for writing in a journal.  I’m not good at the day to day as I tend to procrastinate and get distracted but I really feel a sense of comfort when I write.

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I picked up a booklet years ago called Success Without Stress by Guy Finley.  It was based on the teachings of Vernon Howard who was a spiritual leader back when the internet wasn’t really used as a vehicle to get out “the message”.  You found these gems in a bookstore or at a thrift shop or even a garage sale.  It didn’t necessarily reach millions at the time but his writings are now kept alive by going online and reading his teachings.

I have read this book a number of times and for some reason thought I had understood it’s message but in looking back obviously it went in one ear and out the other.  In reading it again recently I was floored by how so much information was what I have been reading from the now prominent spiritual leaders.  He was and is saying the exact same thing but the book was published in 1988!  I mean the exact same ideology!  Where was I back then?  What was I thinking?  Was I sleeping?

Yep, I guess I was.  Or maybe was not willing to do the work it takes to really be aware of how “the inner determines the outer”.  Sounds so easy and yet is quite profound.  It truly eventually leads to self-release.  And that is paramount in decreasing stress in your life.  Any real stress can only take hold if you allow it to get into your mind.  How I perceive the situation is how I will allow it  to create havoc in my life.

To begin living a stress free life I really had to look at how I actually was and not how I imagined I was.  My mind told me that if I was successful that would guarantee me a less stressful life.  So I jumped in and became, in my mind, somewhat successful.  Key here: in my mind.  But then I became more stressful fearing I would lose my success and all that entails.  My mind was very busy deciphering when it was all going to go away and fearing the loss.  That victory was suppose to free me from the original stress!  What a rat race!

Now I am learning that if you have stress you are not successful, no matter how much you have achieved.  Because you are not at ease with yourself.  Straight from Mr. Finley and Vernon Howard.  Plain as day on the page and yet I read it and reread it over the years and am just starting to absorb it and live it.  What a relief!  I am grateful that I at least am looking at this gem of a small booklet and really comprehending and feeling what it has been patiently trying to tell me all these years.

Finally, the section on self observation really hit me.  It told me to be aware of my physical self.  At that moment I relaxed my shoulders.  Hadn’t even noticed they were up around my ears.  And then it said, “Neither condemn nor approve anything you see in yourself.  Reveal yourself to yourself.  Seek revelation not repetition.”  So above all,  instead of telling the truth where I want to go, I’m letting the truth take me where I need to be.  Stress free.

There has been so much written about health that I know this isn’t going to be an easy one.  In the past year I have really entrenched myself in my health both mental and physical.  I have read numerous books and articles about what to eat, the best exercise and how to deal with the stress of day to day living.  I am finally finishing up on the last bit for my yoga teaching certification.  It has been a long time coming but, as they say, better late than never.

My body is not the same as it once was.  I consider myself in good health but it is nothing of what it use to be.  I use to be able to go on no sleep with a somewhat healthy diet and moderate exercise and never miss a beat.  I rarely went to the doctor even when I probably should have.  But youth makes you think that it’s not going to happen to you and that pain you have in your stomach will just fix itself.  Until it becomes an appendicitis.  That was when I was sixteen.  Went to the hospital and  I’m sure, because of my youth, everything went well.  I don’t know if I even realized then how serious it could have been but again youth just figures it was a bump in the road for a short time and you move on.

But then at seventeen I got pregnant.  There was not a lot of information about birth control and even though there was a sexual revolution no one told me what the repercussions would be if you didn’t use birth control. I know that sounds ridiculous but in 1972 in Cincinnati, Ohio in a catholic Italian family, sex wasn’t something you had conversations about.  At least not in my family.  He was my first real boyfriend and I thought I was in love and this was the one.  Yet again I didn’t think it would happen to me and didn’t really think clearly about what the outcome would be.  Back then there were only a few places to go for an abortion and it wasn’t in Ohio.  My single mom was so overwhelmed with her own life that this was just one more thing she had to handle.  There wasn’t an option, in her opinion, and we went to a clinic in Washington D.C to have it done. Her decision, coming from an Italian catholic, was not taken lightly.  I grew up very quickly after that trip.  It has stayed with me my entire life and most definitely shaped how I see my son.  My physical and mental health went hand in hand and I quickly learned that a rash decision could have major consequences.

I know there are secrets in everyone’s closet especially if they are my age and I’ll bet it has taken it’s toll on their health one way or another.  There is no doubt, after that time in my life, it shaped how I viewed life in general.  I paid more attention to what my body was telling me whether it was physically or in my mind.  I sought help later in life  not just because of what had happen when I was seventeen but just because.  It didn’t matter.  It changed me and how I viewed what I needed to do to get healthy.  I’m  still trying to find the balance.  I’m still trying to quiet the demons and know that the past is just that, the past. But part of getting healthy is also being aware of what is right for me.

So my spiritual health is what is getting me through the days now.  I have gotten through the typical and not so typical maladies and come out of it all pretty healthy.  I most certainly fall down and eat the wrong thing or don’t exercise when I should but isn’t part of being healthy giving yourself a break every now and then?  Just be careful of the consequences.  Being healthy is having the knowledge to know the difference.