Positive Thinking

I’ve been thinking a lot about my past after losing a loved one. I have fleeting thoughts of times in my life that have influence how I act and react to life. I was recently in Canada and experienced the fall and it reminded me of changes that happened because of my past life. I grew up in Ohio and always loved the fall because of the leaves. As an artist I am always aware of shapes and colors and there are few things more spectacular then the evening hour where the light hits the trees just so and they glow. How magnificent nature is that enables this change to take place. And every evening there is the magic hour that seems to put us all to rest for another day.

I remember, as a kid, bundling up against the chill that was just a suggestion of the winter ahead. I loved to hear the crackle of leaves under my feet as I dawdled towards school. I walked about a mile and hated it at the time. My mom thought it was good for us to have the exercise and get out in the air but really she was tired from trying to raise four kids on her own and wanted the sleep. She was a cocktail waitress and worked into the wee hours of the morning. I can’t believe she worked 12 hour shifts in a tight pencil skirt and high heels like a runner in a marathon. I can still smell the Aqua Net as she sprayed her French Twist before going to work.

My love of jazz comes from the records she would bring home from the Peacock Lounge. Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Frank Sinatra and Count Basie. I know every note of Ella’s album Ella in Berlin:Mack the Knife as well as Frank Sinatra with Count Basie. I just recently heard Frank’s The Main Event at Madison Square Garden where Howard Cosell made the introduction. Classic.

Every time I heard a song from those artists I think back to when life was tough but also simple. Small accomplishments like singing in a high school variety show seemed to be the ultimate. Rehearsing for that moment of opening night and the few days of performance. The Sounds of Withrow. The flowers, the costumes, the makeup and the friendships. No matter what was happening on the outside there I was safe and happy.

Recently I was working with a wonderful actress who also loves jazz. Every time she would come into the trailer Billie Holiday would happened to be singing. We laughed every time but for me it gave me an opportunity to connect with someone in a different way other than business as usual. And I will have that memory every time I listen to Billie Holiday.

I guess it’s no mistake my son is a jazz guitarist and lives for his music. One of my most profound memories is his birth and the joy he has brought into my life. Who knew that a girl from Cincinnati, Ohio who sang to Ella would be singing with my son the same songs. There is no greater joy than that.

But I digress and so back to the leaves and fall. Inevitably, fall brings winter and where I lived the snow. One year I spent Christmas high in the Swiss Alps in the small town of Schwende. Only about 15 homes dotted the immense mountains but there was a church, a hostel and a place to rent skis. It was my first experience on cross country skis and I loved the freedom. In my exuberance I skied on top a mountain where it was so quiet I could hear my heart beat. Not only feel it but HEAR it. I’ve never experienced that type of quiet again. It was liberating in a very surreal way. Again, I felt safe and happy.

As I write this I realize I have had so many wonderful memories from the outrageous to the sublime. And I have had some not so wonderful memories which have made me fearful, angry and sad. But if you throw them all in the hat today I happen to pick only the wonderful ones. I again remind myself how precious life is and how fortunate I have been up to now.

Everyone has their own perspective. At the moment, I know with me, I feel my perspective is the right one. At the moment. I try to judge my point of view from my experience. Whatever I have gone through in my life to get me to this point right now is how I come to my conclusions. And it seems everyone, for the most part, does the same. We see our point of view as being right for us. Not necessarily what’s correct for the masses or even the ones closest to us but the one that feels the most comfortable to us.

For me, I try to base my perspective on being fair and honest. The honest part is the hardest. To know the truth but to live the truth is really difficult. I don’t always want to own up to what’s true. And other people’s perspective can be quite daunting when it pertains to you.

The meaning of perspective, according to the dictionary, is “proper or accurate point of view or the ability to see it”. Ah, the ability to see it. Sometimes I don’t want to see how I perceive things. It’s based on circumstances in my life that I don’t want to face or acknowledge. But then I have to own up to the fact that I haven’t dealt with my insecurities enough to listen to someone’s objective advice.

When someone asks me my opinion of an issue they are having I’m sometimes afraid of speaking my mind. I’m worried my perspective will be hurtful and that they may not be ready to hear the truth. Or my truth anyway. And I know how they feel. I have to remind myself to go into that childlike space and find the happiness and pureness that’s under all that fear and doubt. Again, facing the real truth. Being honest with myself.

The value of my word is a big one for me. I have the need to please and make everyone happy and so I make promises that later I cannot keep. Then, from my perspective, I try to justify why I said yes in the first place. Instead of being honest at that moment I take the comfortable route. In the end, however, it usually bites me in the ass. You would think after repeating this behavior countless times I would learn. But change is difficult. It’s even more difficult as you get older. I constantly try to push myself not to settle in and become complacent.

What’s your perspective of where you are? I’m curious to know if I’m just being too analytical. I know I am desperately trying to quiet the voices in my head of the constant judgment. From my perspective, the change must come from within me.

The hardest thing in my life I live with and the one thing in my life I would like to lose is my ego. It is really hard! I have good days and bad days. Usually, the bad days are when I am working with incredibly talented people and I feel insecure. Instead of being smart about the ego and telling it to go away, I let it creep in and do the deed.

Insecurity, fear, frustration and just downright not liking myself and it rears its ugly head. Now I know that having a healthy ego can be a good thing (or so I’m told), but I’m not quite sure sometimes where healthy ends and insecurity begins. It has a way of starting the voices in my head. I try to justify in order for me to believe what I’m telling myself and then it begins to get murky.

The ego tries to justify this crazy behavior. I know I am good at what I do in my work but how good? And according to who? I would love to be satisfied with knowing I have worked many years to learn my craft and be proud of that fact. But sometimes the ego keeps me from enjoying the fruits of my labor.

I have read many books about how to live life in the moment and not let what others think of me matter. But then my ego shows up and it does matter! I want them to like me. Really like me! And isn’t that why the ego plays such a dramatic part in our daily lives?

It goes back to the simple fact we want to be loved. We want to be accepted. We want to know that everything is going to be all right. That to find the true essence of oneself we must rid ourselves of the fear of being alone. To trust that what we have whatever that may be right now at this moment is enough. That the next moment may be different but for right now it’s enough. And right now it’s still enough. And that moment to moment of knowing is what softens the ego to be healthy and caring.

This healthy ego will make us strong enough to face whatever it is the future will throw our way. In that strength, we will be able to experience birth, life, love and death with the knowledge that it will have its way if we let it have its way. We have been given the free will to choose. I am going to try to continue to choose this moment.

Positive Thinking

Memories

Perspective

Ego