Positive Thinking

Limbo

Kris EvansJune 22, 2015 0 Comments

I feel like I’m in limbo. In between projects and not enough to sort out everything before I hit the road. You know how in your mind you think you’ll be ok and you’ll be able to get everything done on time and then the time is flying by and your realize your mind is playing tricks on you again?

I guess I thought I was becoming more evolved in taking care of what is good for me but yet again the old patterns are creeping into my psyche. I have a goal of having permanent residency in Canada but that comes with consequences. Like living two out of five years in Canada in order to keep my status. Didn’t think it would be so hard to do as I don’t have to do it all at once but here we are coming up on the time and I am nowhere near that goal. Not that I want to spend the rest of my life In Canada but I have decided that where I am in my life now options are a good thing.

I’ve been busy working, which is always good for a lot of reasons but it tends to be difficult when you are freelance and you don’t have the freedom to pick and choose. Ah yes, I do have a choice and with that comes conditions but until the proverbial gun has been put to my head I haven’t really sat down and thought about the linguistics.

So now I’m headed off to Vancouver for a bit of time and although it is in Canada and in my mind seems to be the perfect scenario I feel like it’s my mind telling me to go and not my heart. And that tugging makes me feel like I’m in limbo. Quite frankly it’s not the job or Vancouver or leaving. It’s just me. I guess I’m in a slump. I guess slump and limbo could be one and the same. With all of the other changes in my life it’s not surprising.

They say change is vital in keeping you alive and thriving. But could the change be a bit more gentle and not like the recent gale storms that have been sweeping the country? And then again I get an aha moment when I realize that before I was making decisions with my head and the change in me now to make decisions from my heart is what is putting me in my limbo. My vulnerability is now upfront instead of hidden which is where it has been for so long.

No one said change is easy but I have to trust that in the change I will come out of limbo clearer and leading with my heart. Still a work in progress.

Endurance

Kris EvansJune 6, 2015 0 Comments

I am coming to the end of this project in New Orleans and it has been a long, hard road. The hours have been long. The locations have been challenging. The project has been sensitive. And here I am after four months discovering still that I have more endurance than I ever thought I had. Like the trees in the swamp I have continued to stand tall, straight and quiet. Continue reading →

Exhaustion

Kris EvansMay 9, 2015 0 Comments

I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to write about exhaustion or frustration but sometimes, somehow they seem to go together. The frustration comes from knowing what you want and not being able to get it and so exhaustion sets in just from trying. Most of the time it’s wishing people or situations were a certain way. Your way. But they seem to have their own agenda and it’s not yours. Not that it’s wrong. Just wrong for you.

And this is where the inner self needs to listen to what it really needs and wants. I know that I forget and try to change what is the chaos on the outside so become exhausted and frustrated by not being able to do so. Then anger sets in and the cycle starts all over again. I don’t feel in control. I feel anxious. I feel scattered. On and on.

But let’s get back to that inner self. I tell myself that I can’t control what’s going on outside of me but I can control how I respond. I can tell myself that the reason I feel exhausted and frustrated is not with what is going on around me but what’s going on inside me. That as much as my mind tells me to calm down and keep my inner self focused and aware, my emotions take over. The hurt of not being “appreciated” comes over me. The need for outside forces wins and my battle continues all over again.

I guess what I’m trying to say is the real frustration is having such a hard time being with me without the outside justification that I’m ok. Not perfect by a long shot. But I’m ok. To relax and know the only one who is going to make it all right is me. I guess maybe that’s what enlightenment is all about. Detachment without ego. It’s not thinking that you’re above it all and so you check out. It’s knowing that the only calm you can really control is what’s inside of you.

It’s not an easy choice to listen to that inner self because sometimes the drama of the frustration is the vehicle for attention. From someone or something other than yourself. And when it comes right down to it you are all you got in the end. I’ve got the choice of being frustrated and exhausted on so many levels or choosing to focus on my awareness of why I’m getting frustrated and exhausted in the first place.

“Go to your bosom: Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know.”

William Shakespeare