This is a tough one to write. I just came from a beautiful and thoughtful memorial to a gifted, funny and special artist. The message was how important it is to live your life as you see it. To know that even though it’s not status quo, it’s alright to be who you are.
I realized that in being in a group of people that I have a habit of becoming very uncomfortable and having a hard time relating to those around me. It doesn’t matter whether I am at a party or at a memorial. It’s just hard feeling comfortable with myself. I start to judge what I am saying or how I am reacting to the situation. I judge myself and the voice in my head starts to tell me that I am out of place. That I don’t belong.
I wish I could say it had something to do with my age but it doesn’t. It has to do with the habit of thinking that I’m not enough. That people are judging me. That I am not living up to their expectations. That my actions are not the way everyone else thinks they should be. I start to judge other people’s reaction to me when in fact I have no idea what they are thinking or what they are going through. My habit is to bring it back to me which has nothing to do with anything.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I go into my old habits of disappointing those around me. I want to say the right thing at the right time and in the anxiety of trying I completely check out. I don’t follow through in making sure that I tell them that it is nice to see them and hope they are doing well. I get caught up in wondering whether or not I am following the right social rules whatever that means.
And if I am in a situation where maybe I need to say something to explain or express my short comings I hide my head in the sand for fear I won’t do it right. I admire this amazing, gifted, talented person to whom I shared his memorial. Because he seemed to enjoy creating, inspiring and helping everyone he graced with his wit, talent and presence.
So my new habit is to write a new story, sing a new song and jump higher than before. Habits may be hard to break but it is much more dangerous to break my spirit. That is something I know is not an option. I know the new habit I have to adopt is walking through the fear.