I have meditated for many years. I first did Transcendental Meditation when I lived in London in 1975. I don’t know why I decided to go to the center but I did and found myself being instructed by a kind, quiet man in his early 30’s. I only say his age because he seemed so much wiser than his years and I wanted that at the ripe old age of 21. He gave me my mantra and told me to always carry it close just in case I needed it. To this day I still know it even though I haven’t practiced religiously.
I come and go in my meditation and often wonder if it is even working for me. I tend to be a “high energy” person (for lack of a nicer title than pain in the ass!). I can be demanding in my ways especially when it comes to fairness and respect. I still have a hard time understanding why with some people being rude and dismissive is a daily way of life but if I’m really honest with myself I find I can be that way as well. I try to recognize it when it happens, usually caused by feeling disrespected myself but I guess it’s all in how you look at it. I need to meditate on the fact that even though it is happening on the outside I need to stay quiet on the inside.
I started meditating again everyday whether it’s at 4AM or 4PM if only for 20 minutes. The hardest thing for me to do is turn the voices off in my head. I begin with the best intentions and then end up going over the next day’s plan or what my to do list should be. Sometimes I use my TM mantra and sometimes I use So Hum which means I am. The meaning of that will be for a different time as I could fill a book with that one. I am still trying to find out who I am and get more and more frustrated just trying to grasp it.
I thought I could come up with something that interests me enough to keep me occupied and content with knowing it is what I want to do the rest of my life. I still think meditating may help me with that path but so far nothing has really jumped out at me. Sure, I like to sing and do yoga and write but is that who I am? I love to teach and to guide people but I haven’t taken the leap to actually do that. I am still doing what I have been doing for many years and the sheer mantra in my head that I keep repeating is that of being able to make a living. The mantra of fear comes to mind and I am trying to cast that to the wind.
I read someone said they became an accountant even though they wanted to be a comedian. After a number of years they were fired from their job and came to realize that if they where going to fail at something they didn’t want to do they might as well try doing what they loved. Then if they failed at least they gave themselves the opportunity to know what doing what they loved was like. They at least seized the opportunity. I like that a lot.
So here I am about to embark on a 28 day excursion into the unknown. It will be filled with yoga, meditating, writing and discovery. It is not until November so I have awhile to meditate on that one. Who knows? I feel this may finally be my opportunity to discover the true meaning of So Hum.