L’argent, yen, pesos, denaro, pounds, money. The translation is the same in any language. However, to some it means power and control. To others it means security and safety. And to others it means a way to give back and support those in need. Regardless of how it is interpreted it has a strong effect on everyone. Who knew that a coin or a piece of fancy paper could dictate how the world behaves.
Then there is how it effects each individual as to how they have been introduced to money. For me, there never was enough when I was growing up. It affectd how I did everything in my life. When I had a bit of money it kept me from feeling lost, lonely and confused. That may seem a bit dramatic but it was for me. I started babysitting to buy that cute sweater I wanted from Casual Corner. I felt if I had that sweater I would be cool enough to withstand anything. Anything. It was shield against the haves and have nots. I didn’t want people to know I didn’t have what they had because then it would make me weak.
And so through my life looking good in the way of style was my ammo. I combed through countless magazines hoping I could one day look like Cheryl Tiegs or Lauren Hutton. I wanted to grace the cover of Seventeen. I wanted to be one of the college editors for Mademoiselle. Didn’t happen. Even owning that Villager sweater, the kilt with black tights, knit cap pulled down over my long hair and camel hair’s wool coat did not make me Ali Mc Graw from Love Story. It did make me feel rich enough to feel good about myself and so that was money well spent. I had to save up a long time for that but it was worth every cent.
What it didn’t do was make me feel equal to those who had a lot of money and for a long time I was jealous and angry I wasn’t born into a wealthy family. It took time for me to realize that the only way I was going to go anywhere and do anything was to do it myself. And the lack of money gave me the strength to do things I may not have done otherwise.
I’ve gotten somewhat better at this whole money thing but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that sometimes I envy the people in Town and County. I envy those who can drop $1000.00 on a purse and not give it a second thought. Not because they can buy the purse but because they have no guilt about it. Whether I agree with it or not is not for me to judge. I know that my psyche tells me I came from a different world and that world did not come with that purse.
Can’t say it will ever change as hard as I try. That feeling is deep rooted and may never go away. But I am trying to relax. I’m starting to believe that if I just trust in myself I know I’ll have enough to survive and live. I am finally ready to bank on the beauty of the simple things all around me and that is what I want to invest in now.