Being overwhelmed is different than being exhausted or anxious. Overwhelmed is being…well, overwhelmed. It’s when you feel like you can’t quite get a handle on what you are going to do next. It’s when the lists are constant and yet there always seems to be one more thing to do before a certain date. It’s when even finding your keys in your purse can send you over the edge.
I’ve been trying to keep from being overwhelmed in every aspect of my life. I’m learning to say no to things when I always use to say yes for fear I wouldn’t be liked if I didn’t do what was asked of me. I have recently been saying no more often and the reaction is a bit jarring. I am realizing that when I take people out of their comfort zone of what they expect of me in my behavior they are not very happy. In fact they become defensive. They feel like I am being unreasonable. I am not acting in the way they are accustomed. It’s not business as usual.
The hardest thing of being overwhelmed is that I don’t have the strength to put up the armor and pretend everything is all right. I am making decisions on my own without asking permission and that’s the first time in forever that I have let that happen. On one hand it feels like I’m gaining more ground in my personal freedom but in another way I feel like I’m drowning. I so want to be open and vulnerable. I don’t want to feel so out of control that anger seeps in out of fear. I am not strong enough to keep my guard up to say and behave in a way to keep the peace. Peace for who?
Why do we allow ourselves to get in these situations? What is it about the world today that has robbed us of our freedom to choose how we live our lives? Yes, we do have choices and nine times out of ten they are not the choices we are making. But how do we get out of the rat race we have created? And how did we let ourselves get into it so deep in the first place? I don’t know sometimes. I’m too overwhelmed to find an answer!
And then the drama of it all makes me shake my head and realize that at least I am trying to be aware of the fact that I am drowning! That my only refuge is to quiet my mind, take a deep breath and slowly try to prioritize what I really need in oppose to want I think I need. And that’s when I really have to go deep and ask myself the overwhelming questions of life…Who am I? What do I want?
And the overwhelming answer is happiness and joy in me. In me. If I take responsibility of just that right now then maybe all of it won’t be so overwhelming.